Places In My Soul
by RaeAnne
Summary: A look at choices, at places in the soul. How deep can one love without loving at all? ! story complete ! Please read and review
1. My Second Choice Amy

Places in My Soul

**Title:** 2nd Choice

**Author:** RaeAnne 

**Rating: **G-PG

**Synopsis:** A look at choices, at places in the heart. How deep can one love without loving at all?

**Spoilers:** Well not really, thought I am going off of the "2nd choice" phrase used in _October 20th_ episode (the title I can't remember)

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own the characters or the town of Everwood. I am not making or seeking any compensation for this story and have written it for entertainment purposes only. Copyrights and trademarks belong to their respective owners and no infringement is intended. Thanks.

**Authors Note:** Hi, this is my fist Everwood story, thanks for stopping by and checking it outJ. I love this show! This hopefully will be the first chapter in this story, with more to come soon. Anyway I hope that I have staid somewhat true to these characters while still exploring their thoughts that aren't always brought out on the show. I hope you enjoy it (if so and even if not a little note would be appreciated, I am always looking for ways to improve my writingJ) Thank you so much! RaeAnne ---(@

Chapter 1

My 2nd Choice

            There are places in my soul where my secret demons hide, places in my mind where I lock away my pain, places in my heart that I refuse to acknowledge exist. Past, present, and future, a time line staring me in the face. I want to feel something… something other then this dull ache. 

            My 2nd choice, but my first true soul mate. You see into me, into those places in my soul. You see what I don't want you, or the world to see, and you see what I can't. My 2nd choice… that's what your role has been, I am sorry. But you scare me; you scare me because you make me become something I never knew I could be. You take me from my safety zone, you push me to realize and accept what I don't want to. My comfort zone is shattered when you stand in front of me with your unwavering confidence daring me to leap, challenging me to lose you. That too scares me, for you have been my rock, even if I don't thank you enough for that. It's also that fact that scares me, I take you for granted, I use you, and I take advantage of you because I know you'll have me back. But lately I see it in your eyes; you are tired of my games. I don't blame you; you are about ready to leave me. What would I do without you? I pray I never have to find out. 

            How do I convey all that I feel? How do I express an emotion that is something I myself don't understand? My heart I can't give, not yet, for I am afraid I don't have it, and it's not who's you think it is, that that was my reason before. Now it's something more, something different. I'm ready to step away from my excuse, for it is what he has become. I can't give you my heart because I am afraid you posses it. Maybe not the love that should go with it, but you posses it…because like your own, you know it, you regard, protect and feel it like your own. Besides right now I have no use for it.

            My 2nd choice you were, my final destination you are. My familiar patterns you shatter, your reassuring smile you offer, my small world you shadow, but your laugh lights up the unknown sky. My comfort you make me abandon, the safety of your arms you offer. My 2nd choice? No…. my only choice.

**_(AN: Next chapter I hope to have out soon is called "I Can't Be Your Friend" which will follow much in this style with chapters that is more of a story, not so much first person to follow. Thank you so much for reading! RA)_**


	2. I Can't Be Your Friend Ephram

**Title:** I Can't Be Your Friend

**Author:** RaeAnne

**Rating:** G-PG

**Synopsis:** same

**Spoilers:** same

DISCLAIMER: See chapter 1

Authors Note: This chapter is somewhat inspired by a country song of the same name by Tim Rushlow. Thank you to LeeT911 for the tips and review, I can use all the help I can get! :-)  

Chapter 2

I Can't Be Your Friend

            I'm tired, I am at the end. My created world of which you are my center seems to be spinning on a slanted axis. I can't be your friend. I've been your friend; I've been your confidant, your back up plan, in ways I believe your salvation. But while I will be all those and more, I'm afraid I can't be your friend. For with being your friend comes a price that is too high to pay. Close to you but not close enough, I hear all your secrets… all but the ones I want to know the worst, I want to know that if somewhere in that maze you call a heart there is a path that leads you to me.

            I came to this dreary little town angry, rigid and without a friend. We became friends out of a mutual need. I somehow found faith in your faith, you had a cause to fight for, and you had a reason to rise in the morning. I had little, I had a mess I couldn't find a way out of, my reason became you, and your cause became my cause. Now that cause has been taken from you, your reason to get up gone. You fell into the darkness I have just found my way out of. I've tried to pull you up; you've just dragged me down.  I have found I can live on my own, I no longer have to live on the reasons of you, but I now find my reason within my own life, with in my own inner battle ground. I battle myself every time I see you, I want to scream, to tell you every little thing I feel, how I love the way your eyes light up, the way you hair sways in the wind. Every detail I've memorized. But I can't do this; I can't be just the back up, just the second choice. I want to be the first on your list, I want you to love me the way I love you.

               I've tried to find someone else, I thought I found someone to take your place, but I discovered that I was doing to them what you do to me… letting them be my second choice. I won't do that, I know how it hurts. You're in my system, in my blood, you move through out me like a cancer you destroy me from the inside out. But while you kill me when you play your indifference, that one sweet smile, or soft laugh has me hooked again, hanging on the line hoping for one more to sustain me till you honor me with another. I can't do it anymore; I can't let the mind games continue. Be my enemy, I know I have been yours many a time, be indifferent, what ever you want… just not what I am now, because I know I just can't be your friend. 

**_(AN: Next chapter will be the start of the story. I hope to have it out soon thank you so much for reading! RA ---(@ )_**


	3. The Darkest Sin

Title: Darkest Sin

Author: RaeAnne

Rating: G-PG

Synopsis: same

Spoilers: same

DISCLAIMER: See chapter 1

Authors Note: Hi, this is the last chapter. I know that this story was short, but I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews are greatly appreciated! J Thank you so much RaeAnne****

**Chapter 3**

**The Darkest Sin**

            Ephram is holding Amy close, their thoughts now at a stand still. Each a different focus, Ephram stares at Madison unsure what to make of her, Amy can't help but feel the arms of the man who is holding her, the man she once only considered to be the boy she put into the carefully constructed category that she felt his potential would extend to, not the man she is now discovering. Arms strong and faithful, she felt everything melt away. But at the same time she feels he's slipping away, she holds tighter, Ephrams' sharp intake of breath reminds her that he isn't hers… yet.

            Madison a woman who Ephram tries to tell himself can take Amy's place watches the pair move on the dance floor, she sees the problem between them, she sighs leading Delia back to the table.

            Andy Brown, still holding Nina in his arms, watches Ephram and even though his parenting skills he is still honing he feels the hurt he believes will soon inflict his son's heart. Andy turns his head back to take in the face of his neighbor, she smiles knowingly, she has seen the doctor at his paternal worst, and now when he sees that there is a problem, yet can't do anything about it, she hurts for him, for he is now experiencing every parents nightmare, knowing your child is going to hurt, but knowing you can do nothing to ease it. She places her chin on his shoulder and whispers "I know."

            Wheels in continual motion, pushing ever forward; moments lost, second thoughts becoming past regrets, present mistakes becoming tomorrows plagues. A moment of darkness suffered for an eternity of light. Lives changed, lives seemingly caught in a stand still. Nothing will be again as it is tonight, chances here will never again present themselves, this is a night to savor, a time to look at today and seize it. 

            The song ends but Amy and Ephram still sway gently. "Will you take me outside?" Amy's whispered query hovers at his ear, making Ephram silently curse her as he feels his heart pound. "All right," he replies voice gravelly as he moves to the side of the dance floor. Amy finds her arms at her sides as she watches Ephram head for the door. He hesitates and looks back. She brings her eyes up. Ephram is paralyzed by them, the sadness and slight desperation leaves him with an unquenchable need to protect her. He offers his hand silently, she accepts and they start out no words passing.

            "Some party, huh?" Ephram makes light as they walk though the parking lot a lot a sudden icy breeze passing them making shivers climb their spine. "Yeah," Amy replies pulling her shawl closer around her shoulders. They continue to walk destination unknown. The sky has begun to dim, the autumn sunset dipping further into the horizon, brilliant reds and deep mauves highlighting the mountains, fall in all its glory. Ephram feels the tension, feels the weight that is hanging over both of them. "So Miss Abbott would there a purpose to this evening stroll... as lovely as it is I would hate to think that you brought me out here for nothing," Ephram spoke not trying to hide the disdain too hard.  Amy recoiled. "And what is that supposed to mean Ephram?" Amy bit back. "Nothing, everything I say means nothing we know that much," Ephram said gritting his teeth. Amy stares off to the side of him as he becomes agitated hands thrust deep into his pockets. "That's not true and you know it!" she says passionately. "Oh it's not? Well that's a good thing to know! So what I say matters but not what I do. I'm tired of this Amy, I need to know right now, right here, what am I to you? Am I the second choice? Will I forever have to compete with Colin's memory, first the memories of the past, then the man himself and now not only the memories of the past but the dead dreams you had made of the future! Ya know, it wouldn't be so hard to wait if I thought you were getting closer to choosing your path, but it seems all I am is second, and I can't be that any more," Ephram's voice dropped in volume but not in determination. 

            Amy felt her stomach knot; the feeling of resolution was evident in the words he spoke, no matter how bad she wanted to pretend it wasn't. "Ephram don't do this! Please, you know it's hard on me, I said I was sorry for putting you second… I don't know what you want me to say! Tell me what you want me to say and I'll say it!" she cried tears falling from her eyes. Ephram gave a sarcastic laugh. "You don't get it Amy! I don't want you to recite some empty words and try and make everything better, all talk Amy I'm tired of it. I want you to show me there's some hope, the only thing I want you to say is what is in your heart, and not what you think I want to hear. Better yet, I'll show what I feel, and you can then do with it what you want," Ephram said eyes darkening. She pulled back slightly as he came near. With a swift motion Ephram had Amy in his arms and his lips closing down on hers. Amy lifted her hands to his chest to push him away but she became powerless under the pressure. She relaxed slightly as he lessoned his grip. He pulled away suddenly and without another word turned to walk away. Amy stood stunned. 

            Ephram head swimming moved his feet but couldn't feel the pavement; he breathed but couldn't feel his lungs taking it in. This was it, there was no turning back, choices were made, actions were taken, he had chosen.

            Amy unable to think, unable to move stood touching her now tender lips with the tips of fingers. What had happened? She felt an uncontrollable shake start to move through her. She had to get away from here. She turned toward the building away from Ephram and started to run.

            Ephram heard the dull clicking of heels and turned back just in time to see Amy sprint toward the reception, shall falling from her shoulders. He felt his heart plummet as he realized she was retreating from him, from his touch. As is heart bled his mind became numb as he did what he swore he would never again do, he turned back, and he retraced her steps… pursuing her, he picked up the shall that still was warm from her body feeling any warmth that was in him drain, leaving an empty, dark, cold, numbness. In muted pain he walked back, blending in within the crowd.

___________________________

_2 Weeks Later_

            Ephram paces in front of Amy's car waiting for her to emerge from the throng that has exited the school doors. It's been two weeks since the wedding, two weeks since they had touched, spoken, or acknowledged each other. Ephram had come to a decision, a point of no return. It wouldn't be long now, he saw her coming. His breathing increased and he felt dizzy. 

            "Ephram…" she spoke his name softly. "Amy, I'm sorry about what happened… it wont happen again..." he started. "What do you mean?" she asked sitting her books on the ground.  "I mean, that I am going back to New York, not for forever, but for this year. My dad and I talked about it and I want to work on my piano in New York, I leave day after tomorrow," he said in one breathe not flinching in uncertainly like he thought he would. "I...I see," she said weakly. "I just wanted to tell you," he dug is hands into his pants pockets. "I thought it would feel different," she said under her breath, eyes falling. "What do you mean?" he asked. She refused to look at him. "I thought that I wouldn't care if you left," she sighed. "Sorry to disappoint you," he said bitterness creeping in. "Don't…. I care!" she cried jerking her head up. Ephram was stunned to find tears in her eyes. "I care more then you will ever know! I didn't know how I felt tell… tell you held me when we danced! But I didn't think that it was supposed to be you! I mean…. I don't know what I mean! Ephram don't go!" she said as every emotion rushed to the surface. She wanted him! Ephram shook his head is despair. "I can't Amy…." He forced starting to walk away. "Ephram!" she choked reaching out to grab his arm, becoming more desperate. "Amy… this is it I am done," he said pulling from her grasp. 

            He pushed on though every sense told him she was crying behind him, and that nearly stopped him. Like a scene not so long ago one walked away inflicting pain… the difference this time was that the one walking had finally won a war that that had been raging, the war against the darkest sin. 

            The darkest sin, the sin of self. When one is moved so deeply to make oneself feel good at the expense of another that is the darkest sin. Amy was the doer of the darkest sin losing so much of her heart and mind in the depths of herself and trying to make the pain she felt go away by using others. Ephram victim of the darkest sin, he fell prey to the one who was drowning in that sin and was grasping at anything to keep her head afloat that he almost drowns himself. He broke free finding he could stand on his own. Ephram thinks he won the war… but it seems it was just the battle. The war still rages… in him, in Amy... in each of us.

The End….

_(AN: thank you so much for reading please review! Thank you so much!! RaeAnne ---(-@ )_


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